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If I Was the Commander of Area 51

If I Was the Commander of Area 51

"Storm Area 51, they can't stop all of us" is a Facebook events page created as a joke in June of 2019. For some bizarre reason, the event went viral within days and now has more than 2 million people signed-up to attend. 

Now unless you've been living under a rock the last few weeks, I'm sure you've come across a meme or two about this event as it's become one of the biggest jokes on the internet. And while we'd all be shocked if more than just a few "Kyles in skinny jeans" actually show up to storm the base on September 20th, it did get us thinking about what would be an appropriate response if a sizable contingent of hostile U.S. Citizens invaded a Top Secret U.S. Military Installation.

So here's how we would respond to such a threat if we were the Commander of Nellis AFB which houses complex known as Area 51.

Step One:
 Understand my left and right limits. 

Although we may be 100% within legal rights to mow down civilians invading a highly classified and controlled facility, that's just not a good way to be remembered in the history books. 

I'd first confer with my chain of command through the highest levels of the DoD, to the POTUS, and across to the DoJ to understand our options in neutralizing hostile civilians on U.S. soil.  We'd also explore every option in coordination with local law enforcement to neturalize the hostile civilian threat so that we don't have a scenario like this: 


Step Two: Fight the Information Battle

The U.S. Air Force made a statement via Washington post concerning the 9/20 event, in that they simply "discourage" people from doing so (https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2019/07/13/half-million-people-signed-up-storm-area-what-happens-if-they-actually-show-up/). 

We would approach things differently. 

Just like the NBA's Larry Bird used to tell opponents guarding him exactly how he was going to score before actually doing it, we'd be crystal clear in communicating to a bunch of man-bunned snowflakes exactly what would happen to them if they stepped out of line.  Essentially, it will be this:

Phase line 1 -  they will be arrested by local law enforcement.  

Phase line 2 -  they will be detained by military law enforcement after being subjected to painful less-than-lethal munitions and be charged as enemies of the state; they may just be a Monster Energy drinking hippie, or they may be an ISIS operative taking advantage of an internet hoax to do harm to the US. We'll let the folks at Guantanamo Bay figure it out.  

Phase line 3 - will be met with the mightiest lethal force known on this side of the galaxy, and no I won't elaborate on what that means. Bottom line is whether your dumb soul-patch rocking ass is bleeding out alone in the desert, or being anally probed by our allies, you won't be going back home.... and no I won't elaborate on what that comment means either.

Step Three: Deployment of troops

Nellis Air Force Base doesn't house enough combat and combat support troops to sustain such a massive threat. 

As such, I'd request at least a Brigade Sized element of Military Police, an Infantry BCT (Brigade Combat Team), a combat Aviation Brigade, as well as Special Missions Unit operators and air assets from JSOC. 

Depending on the information I got from the smart people in Step One, I may have to OPCON these units to the Nevada National Guard, but these forces at a minimum will be the personnel to defend the base.

Step Four: Defense Planning

Phase line 1 - would be manned by local Law Enforcement augmented by Military Police Personnel.  The primary tools used at this check point will be megaphones, orange cones, temporary barriers, and K9 units.  

Phase line 2 - will be manned by primarily by mounted Military Police with less than lethal options such as CS gas, rubber bullets, tasers and Vehicle-Mounted Active Denial System (V-MADS), Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD), and other non-lethal electronic warfare systems. 


Phase line 3 - will be defended by Infantry personnel, attack aviation, mines, and land based defense systems. Anyone coming through Phase line three has been properly warned of the consequences which means they are a true believer that has bad intentions for the USA. Of course, the hope is that the mocha-latte-sipping hipsters have turned back at Phase lines one and two so the efforts here won't have to be employed. 

Perhaps a few snatch and grabs for research and anal probing by the guests on my installation... and no I won't be elaborating on that comment. 

Finally, we think most of these idiots won't get past Phase Line 1 before getting thirsty, or hungry, or need to charge their smartphones because they're live-streaming the event...what we really should do is set-up a taco truck outside the gate and sell them bottled water for $20 a pop.

September 20th can't come soon enough!

3 Comment

  • Great plan! Wish I could be there to help out. What’s with the Kyle bashing??

  • Easy Rambo. Mangling ignorant and naïve airheads isn’t the way to “win their hearts and minds” Although your soliloquy did warm my crusty old heart. Carry on.

  • Just change the numbers on the area 51 mail box and the morons will never find it lol id be amazed if anyone actually showed up at all even if they do show it wont take much too run them off people like these clowns lack the courage that it would take too storm a base like that just hover a couple of black hawks over them for a few min and let the sand and rocks work them over really good that allways made me wish i was some were elese lol

    Chad yates

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